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The Climb.

Monday morning, 3 days before the climb I wake up with that sinking, nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach and it never went away for those 3 days.  I’m not sure if it was becsuse it’s a possibility I could not come back or that I was terrified to get AMS.  Mostly it was the unknown and the anticipation.  The morning of I wake up a hot mess.  I was so emotional and I just couldn’t keep the tears back because of the out pouring love I received that week from everyone and the fact I was leaving behind my worried sick husband.  I say my goodbyes and I’m on my way.  We met up in Ashford at whittaker mountaineering to pick up our rental gear.  The moment I see everyone the nerves washed away.  I felt so excited at this moment and couldn’t believe the day was finally here.  We did some stretching at the guides memorial and then we were off to paradise.  When we arrive we have to get our camp permits.  One for Muir and one for ingraham flats.  Come to find out camp  is full on Friday for the flats.  My initial thought was, “f**k, yep there goes our trip or do we summit tonight??” But that’s crazy talk.  When we told Jake, he didn’t seem concerned.  He told us the same thing happened last year and it worked out.  We may just have to change plans some. Okay phew. FB_IMG_1501449425731We set out for camp Muir around 11am.  Mind you it’s freezing, foggy and windy.  Can’t see anything.  2 weeks prior when I did Muir it’s was a beautiful summer day.  Shorts and t shirt weather but this was the complete opposite.  Within 5 min, we have to delayer.  You feel hot and uncomfortable because it takes a good mile to really get Into the groove. Not much happens between here and Muir other than a long, cold and windy slog up.  Climbing mountains would be fun they said.FB_IMG_1507767346183

AEE01A2F341751596E5084B6DAB60278 25 min before reaching Muir, we break the clouds and we all feel alive again and get excited that were almost there. Rainier is looking beautiful as ever.  We get to Muir in 5 hours 20 min so its about 430pm.

20170720_182744 We set up camp, boil water and get our sleeping arrangements ready.  Overlooking Muir, it’s beautiful.  There’s nothing like being above the clouds.  Being separated from reality and just enjoying that moment in time.  Realizing I’m doing something most people don’t get the chance to do and just chasing that dream.20170720_18585520170720_185859Our guide took us up this little rock climb where we over saw the camp and got a view of what The other side looked like.  Huge open crevasses everywhere. Hundreds of feet long and wide.  It was insane. There’s a pretty sweet one tent camp spot up there too. Best spot in the area hands down. I plan on going back to camp up there.  The minute the sun goes down, it’s absolutely freezing cold out.

20170720_17565520170720_171034.jpgIt’s about 730 and I guess I’m going to get into the tent and warm up. Mind you, when we set up our tents I’m sharing a 3 person tent with 2 others but this tent looked like a 1 person, maybe 2 if you want room.  Our sleeping bags and pads overlapped eachothers.  We were basically sardines, but hey more snuggles, more warmth. It took me hours to warm up it felt like. I had most of my layers on with hand warmers and mittens on.  I could feel the cold coming through the sleeping pad so I tried putting my puffy coat beneath me.  I even had my beanie on!  Took quite awhile to fall asleep. I tossed and turned a lot that night.  Pretty sure I kept my roomies up with the constant squeaking of my pad.  I wake up in the middle of the night having to pee, but there was no way I was getting out of my sleeping bag because I was finally warm.  I’m holding it until morning.

20170721_05565020170721_055847Next time i wake up it’s light out.  I’m thinking it’s like 8am, but nope only 545! Ugh but since it was light out, I decided to finally go pee.  I was so happy I got out because I got to watch the sunrise.  Crisp, cold morning with the warmth of the sun touching my face and not one person awake other than me.  Pure silence.  It was pretty amazing.  So I go pee and then find a spot to sit to call cory while I look at Adams, helens and the sunrise.  I just couldn’t get over this view.  After our conversation I head back to lay in the tent for a little bit.  After everyone wakes up, we eat and get ready.

FB_IMG_1507743824951 We did some training with self arrest, roping up and a little crevasse training before we headed to ingraham flats.   Self arrest practice was actually pretty fun but it can potentially be dangerous if you don’t do the proper techniques.  You know, impale yourself with the axe.  No big deal.  After that, we talk about crevasse rescue and practice tying knots in our prusiks, which is a way to get yourself out of a crevasse with ropes.  We then roped up and practiced walking with switch backs because you switch rope on either side of you when you turn. Next, we pack up camp, learn to put crampons on and we rope up for the FIRST time ever, across a glacier.  I couldn’t believe I was actually doing this.  Oh, and you’re probably wondering about the permit for ingraham flats.  The night before someones tent got blown over the edge, wedged between 2 crevasses.  Our guides went and rescued it, so for that we got a free pass 😊

FB_IMG_1507743831788FB_IMG_1507743840046Within 10 min of climbing we have to jump a crevasse.  I wasn’t prepared for that yet so it took me a good minute, okay 5 to finally jump across.  Moving along, my legs were DEAD.  My hips were sore.  It felt so hard to move one leg in front of the other.  I thought to myself if it’s going to be this way the whole time I’m screwed.  It ended up only being that way to the flats which took a few hours.  We had to climb through a rock field so for this we short rope and move quickly.  Less chance to get struck by a rock from the people above. You also have to be mindful of not kicking rocks yourself.  We get to the top of the rocks and we can see little tahoma!

The rest of the way wasn’t so bad. Want to know the first thing I thought when we first got to ingraham flats? Absolutely NO privacy to go to the bathroom.  I have no problem popping a squat to pee but number 2? No way jose. I take the shovel and dig as deep as I possibly could to make a bathroom. So squating you can only see my head ha. Again, we set up camp and eat. FB_IMG_1507770132078FB_IMG_1507770138176FB_IMG_1507768123440 We see little tahoma looking out, and looking the other way is the top of rainier. 3400 feet from the top. You could tell how windy it was at the top with how quickly the clouds were moving.  To the left was a huge rock wall which you would hear loud rock falls quite often which almost sounded like an earthquake about to happen.  A little unnerving.  To the right is where we go to climb.   We get all the gear we’re taking with us ready so that way when we wake up we can just go.  I’m going to get really personal here so I apologize but I felt like I had to go number 2 but I couldn’t. Practically the entire time.  It was miserable.  I blamed it on the altitude.  I said maybe I’ll wake up with the nervous poos before we go.  Once again the sun starts to go down and it gets really windy making it really cold.  We decide to all hop into bed.  We couldn’t sleep so we just talked and laughed. These girls made this trip so much more enjoyable. It’s like 7pm and we have to wake up at 1230.  This is going to suck.  I think I hardly slept because the wind was pretty strong that night. I thought for sure we weren’t gonna be able to go on but 30 min before we got up, it stopped. Kinda crazy. Every time I heard foot steps by our tent, I thought it was jake about to wake us up.  I wasn’t ready. I could hear other teams talking so I knew soon we’d have to get up but I had no idea what time it was.  I didn’t want to get out of my warm bed and had thoughts of wanting to stay back but minutes later, jake wakes us up which I was already.  I get out of the tent and it’s actually not that cold. You see people already almost to the top of the DC (disappointment cleaver).  This is where teams decide if they want to keep going.  At this point on you are completely exposed.  I’m seeing the stream of lights all along the mountain and it feels so surreal.  This is what you read about.  I’ve waited for this moment for a whole year and we’re actually doing this.  I felt excited but also nervous.  Did I get the nervous poos?  Of course not. It took us a little longer to get going but we started around 130am.  I think not being able to see made this somewhat easier and less scary.  I then of course felt like I have to go to the bathroom. Ugh but I refuse to go while attached to people.  No thanks.  We had to go through another rock field for a bit but then after that was snow/ice the rest of the way.  I heard one of the girls was already feeling sick. I felt so bad because usually the top of the DC is the turn around point.  Once we reach the the DC we take our first break.  We put on our down coats, eat and sip some water.  At this point we are about 12k feet up.  I had a bagel stuffed in my pocket that I could nibble on.  It was here I got a little sick.  I would feel hungry so I’d take a bite of my bagel.  I then felt naseuous and felt like I had heart burn.  There were moments I thought I was going to throw up and this happened every time I took a bite but you have to keep fueling your body. This sickness lasted about 45 min.  I would get slight headaches but ibuprofen fixed that.

We reach the first ladder.  It was slanted and thought how the hell do I cross this?! It was your typical metal ladder with 2 boards laying across just enough for each foot to stand on.  Crampons made this a little more difficult considering this was my first time in them.  My heart was pumping and I was terrified even if my guide was belayed into the snow but I had to do this.  One foot in front of the other I made it across safely.  It was roughly 430 and You could see it starting to get light out.  See how far up we were was incredible. I mean we had perfect conditions.  FB_IMG_1507743817855Seeing the sun coming up across the horizon was like nothing I had seen before.

FB_IMG_1507743844504 We stop to take a break around 13500 feet.  Just guessing here and it was at this moment I KNEW we were going to summit.  Things can change quickly up there but I just knew it.  I was feeling good at this point.  Like let’s freaking do this.  Here we go, the last push.

FB_IMG_1507743915805Climbing along this narrow path with it being pretty much straight down on your left didn’t really scare me all that much.  The beauty of seeing Adams, the sunrise, the camp below us, seeing the this beautiful mountain from a different perspective was simply amazing.  No words can really describe it, other than you need to see it for yourself. FB_IMG_1507743938707

We reach our 2nd ladder.  This wasn’t as bad except the boards were all wobbly but after doing the first one this one wasn’t so scary.  We saw this pretty awesome lenticular cloud coming for the top of rainier which isn’t always a good sign but to see one that close was awesome.  With something like climbing Rainier, you think you’ll never make it top. Maybe its because I had it engraved in my head that I wouldnt summit. I’ve seen it take people 3 or 4 times to summit. Either due to weather or that altitude sickness would prevent someone from summitting so when I saw the edge of the crater I couldnt believe it. Also, the fact that I didnt struggle on this climb, it was hard to believe I had made it. For an entire year I dreamed of this moment. Reaching the top and how it would feel.  I started to get all emotional. It felt so surreal. It didnt actually feel like I was on top of Mt Rainier. Took a good week to set in.  The highest point in Washington state and the tallest glaciated mountain in the lower 48 states. Unbelievable. We make it to the crater, which look like a big bowl. It was pretty windy the last 20 minutes or so but with the walls of the crater it was calm inside. We dropped our packs, hugged it out and we took our ropes off and headed for the columbia crest which is the true summit.

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Took about 10 minutes to cross the crater where we signed the summit registry. We took a break here and then proceeded to the true summit. FB_IMG_150082414831914,411 feet tall we freaking made it!  I tried to take it all in but we took our pictures quickly because it was extremely windy and cold. Now, this was my chance to go to the bathroom.  So I walked back across the crater, grabbed my blue bag, yes you have to pack your poop out, gross I know and tried to find the most private spot possible. Yeah, theres no where private. I basically just went to the edge by the wall and popped a squat and yeah people were walking by and they dont care but I do! ya know? After I did what I had to do, I wait at my pack and eat some food. I felt great at the top. No sickness or anything. Once we all met back up, it was time for the dreaded descent. We spent about 45 minutes to an hour and that was it. You want to hear something super depressing? I could see the parking lot at paradise from the top. Ugh. Going to be a long trek down but thats part of the climb. What goes up must come down. It was around 9:15 and the ice was already turned into slush which makes things more difficult. Coming down was so miserable for me. It was very hot, I ran out of water and you’re  slipping and sliding practically every step. Most accidents happen on the way down as well so the slush wasnt helping that.  I then got hit with the sweats and my tummy rumbling. You all know what that feeling means. I went into panic mode because I thought maybe I wasnt going to be able to control what was about to happen. I started to get all irritated and grumpy at this point.  I said, no I am waiting to make it to camp muir.  That feeling eventually goes away. Thank god. After about 4.5 hours we make it to ingraham flats. At this point we are exhausted. We debated on either packing up and going or just taking a break. As much as I wanted to just pack up and get the hell off that mountain, I just couldnt. One of the girls ended up staying back because of AMS and she so kindly packed up my sleeping bag and pad. Bless her heart because I dont know that I would have had the energy to. I ate a sandwich and a slice of someones pizza then passed out on the snow for maybe 15 min. I felt like absolute shit. I had a killer headache and I felt sick to my stomach. I think the altitude had finally hit me. I seriously thought I wasnt going to be able to make it off that mountain. I could barely do anything, but I took some ibuprofen and just dealt with it. Heading back to camp muir was rough. I felt like I could just keel over and fall asleep right there. A long way back to muir and I started to feel better since we were dropping altitude. We take a break at Muir to go to the bathroom and take off all our rope gear and we head back to paradise. I knew it would be a few hours and at this point its 5pm. We told family wed be back between 2-6. My phone had died so I couldnt contact anyone and I knew everyone was probably worried but everyones phones were dead.  I just wanted back down as fast as I could so people didnt have to worry anymore.  Im fine, but they dont know that which sucks.  We made it back to the lot at 730pm. My mom had talked about meeting me for when I come down but I didnt want her having to wait hours in case we were late but then I saw other people had family waiting, I said, “Man, I kinda wish I had someone here now.” Then I hear someone yell, “Jessica!” I turn and its my mom and dad! I’m getting all teary eyed just typing this. I was so happy and in tears and said I’m sorry to make you worry.  My mom gave me her phone to call cory right away because he had been so worried.  I felt terrible.  I was so glad to be back on flat ground because my feet were in so much pain.  I even had no feeling in part of my big toes for over a month.  We all celebrated with burgers and beers and headed home after that.

I consider mountaineering type 2 fun.  It takes dedication and it’s demanding, physically and mentally but it is so fulfilling and rewarding that it’s all worth it.  I love to climb so much and it took a lot of hard work but proof that you can do anything.FB_IMG_1500845974733

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What does it take to Climb Mt Rainier?

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When I first decided to climb Rainier I didn’t really research into it much and how serious of a mountain climb it was.  I tried convincing my friends to do it with me, like oh yeah it’s no big deal ya know.  After looking more and more into it, I was like oh shit, this shouldn’t be taken lightly.  People come from all over the world to see this amazing mountain.  Climbers train on Rainier for mountains like Denali which is one of the 7 summits and 20k feet tall, like whattt? That’s crazy.  Uhh we have to cross ladders?  What did I get myself into? A few people die on Rainier every year. Woah, why the serious talk? It’s part of the risk and She doesn’t play around.  If you don’t take her seriously,  she won’t take you seriously.  I sorta just block all that out.  Although it’s important to keep in mind how dangerous it can be, you can’t let it stop you from climbing.  You know the risk and you learn to avoid the dangers as much as possible such as rock falls, seracs, falls, avalanches and crevasses. It comes with experience.

So how do you train for something like Rainier? My guide told us one time ya, you don’t have to train, you can still make it to the top but you will be miserable.  In my opinion, if you decide to do something like this you should work for it.  That’s part of it.  The training. Plus why not spend the time to train to make this experience somewhat enjoyable? You spend majority of your time training but to me that’s worth it all. There is a lot of hiking involved in my training which is my favorite part, obviously.  It’s not all boring. What you put into this is what you will get out.   They say start training about 6 months before your climb.  When I made my training plan, I was dreading it.  I exercised before this training but avoided cardio like the plague.  Hated it with a passion but for Rainier you have to be well rounded in strength, endurance and speed.  If you don’t enjoy the process, you won’t make it far and little to my surprise I actually enjoyed the training. Not all days but most.  I learned to embrace cardio and to see myself improve everyday was amazing.  I had never been in this good of shape, even in high school when I did volleyball and track.  It does take self discipline but you find what works for you. You are probably wondering how much time a day I spent training.  Not as much as you’d think. Monday-Friday I spent between 45 min to 1.5 hours.  Saturdays were my longest days since those were my hiking days.  I had made up a schedule for myself after researching the training aspect of it.  I ended up changing it because it didn’t work for me.  I think I had a 2 hour run/swim day and I said screw that.  I hate running so I plugged in something different.  I’ll go day by day of my training plan.

I did beachbody hammer and chisel 4 times a week and that is where my strength training came from. 30-40 min a day.  I did pretty much the bare minimum, maybe a little more and it got me in the best shape of my life.  You don’t need to spend 3-4 hours everyday at the gym.  Short effective workouts are the way to go especially if you don’t have a lot of time.

Monday- Beachbody & stairs (running).   3 flights, 12 times. Up & down being 1.

Tuesday- Beachbody & stairs with pack. 12 times.  Weight would vary but since it was a shorter workout I always used a heavier pack versus when I hiked. Started out at 25lbs and worked my way to 55lbs.

Wednesday – Beachbody workout and chambers bay hill.  Chambers bay was a 3 mile running loop with tons of hills.  I would never do the loop but just the big hill 3 times. Not sure how long or steep it was but it was a big incline and took about 4-5 min to run up.

Thursday – Beachbody and chambers hill with weighted pack. (Walking)

Friday – I’d either do a short 20 min HIIT workout or take the day off.  I took it easy because Saturdays were my big training days.

Saturday – Hike with weighted pack.  Minimum 8 miles with 800-1200 feet of elevation per mile.  I did old si a lot which was a great tester for me.  I would try and beat my time and up the weight.  It was hard every time. The elevation gain is 920 feet per mile which anything around 1000 I consider tough.

Sunday – Off

That is what I did to train for Rainier.  I also did Mt st helens & camp Muir for training.  Helens I didn’t consider hard, it was just a very long slog with multiple false summits.  The slush is what made it hard though and the long day.  I also didn’t think Muir was too terribly hard.  By 9000 feet you could feel the elevation.  I was still cruisin.  You just huff and puff a little bit harder and your legs are more fatigued.  I was consistent and I pushed myself and for that my training paid off.

I remember a specific hike in my training where I truly felt I wasn’t getting anywhere. I was just a little over halfway done with my training.  It was old si. I had roughly 40 pounds on.  I was trying to beat my 2 hours up and go as fast as I could but that ruined me.  I had to stop every few minutes because my legs were so tired and when I thought I was almost there, I really wasn’t.  I had check points because I had done it so many times already.  At that point I stopped in frustration and started crying.  I told myself forget the time and go at a steady pace to where I could keep going.  That was much better and I made it in 2 hours 6 minutes.  Didn’t beat my time but it was okay.  That struggle would make me stronger for the next time.  I learned a lot throughout my training and it put me in the best shape of my life.  I still train, just not as hard.  I don’t want to lose what I worked so hard to gain.  I carry weight still but only 25-30 lbs.  I run stairs to keep up with my cardio and continue to keep up my strength training.  I chose a training plan that was achievable and didn’t set myself up for failure.  Keeping up with my training benefits me on my hikes.  It makes them more enjoyable and the “hard” hikes are somewhat easy.  Make yourself a priority and feel fortunate enough you can go out and enjoy what our state has to offer.  Not everyone can do that. FB_IMG_1506977729086

(After the difficult hike on old si, I enjoy a beautiful view 😁)

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What started this whole hiking & climbing mountains thing?

So what got me into hiking & climbing? I remember my friend colleen sent me a link of like 10 hikes to do in WA. It was the same year I was getting married & it just didn’t happen because anyone who knows about planning weddings, it consumes your life. That was 2015. May of 2016, little did I know I would fall in love with the raw beauty this state has to offer. But, it didn’t start off so great. The first 3-4 hikes, if you even wanna call them that all have their own epic fail story which is quite funny looking back on. From getting lost, to our destination being the main road & a creeper man who seemed to have other intentions in those woods. After this hike, mud mountain rim, I thought maybe this isn’t for me. I can’t even do one hike right.

 

It was packwood lake, our next hike where my mindset changed. We finally got it right. It was a perfect beginning hike with little elevation at 9 miles. I just remember being in awe of this lake. It was so pure & clear with an island of trees in the middle and snow covered mountains in the distance. That’s when my hiking took off.

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Mailbox peak was next. I escalated quickly in terms of difficulty. Nevermind all the hikes in between. We took the new trail up, and you read trip reports but you really have no clue until you’re there. It was a steady incline and back then I didn’t have the endurance for this hike so it was difficult. The biggest mistake we could have done is ask people, “how much longer?” Everyone would say something different, their idea of a mile could really be .5 or even 1.5. This trail felt like an eternity.  We were tired, hot and getting our hopes up. My friend rosie breaks the tree line and she laughs. I said, “are we there?!!” Feeling relief thinking we have made it. Even though the trail report say when you think you’re there you still have a half a mile of straight up but in my head maybe 3/4 of those people in the trip reports didn’t know what they were talking about. Well, they were right. I couldn’t believe how steep this was. I thought it was impossible to be honest. But I’m not one to quit so onward & upward. I’d look back and see I-90 & all the cars looked like tiny ants. I was so scared, I was climbing up the side of an effing mountain and said to myself, “why the f**k am I up here right now?! This is so stupid.”  After finally reaching the top, after dying a little, I couldn’t believe I made it. And of course the clouds came rolling in so no view really. When we started back down I told the girls thank goodness for this cloud coverage or I’d be terrified coming down.  Makes me giggle because it’s completely different now. I don’t exactly remember how I felt about hiking after, other than feeling exhausted but yet accomplished.

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Where does deciding to climb Rainier come in? Well I’ll tell you. I had joined a few hiking groups on Facebook and I looooove the pnw outdoor womens group. You should all join. I’ve met some amazing women in that group.  Anyway, a girl named Isabella posted in that group asking advice about rainier because she was thinking of climbing rainier in 2 years, so 2018. A lightbulb went off in my head that I wanted to climb Rainier also. Crazy, I know but I’m an adrenaline junkie, thrill seeker who loves a fun, maybe a little insane adventure. Living life on the edge ya know. Always been that way & doesn’t take me much convincing to be like hell ya let’s do this! I commented on her post that I wanted to climb Rainier too but instead let’s do it next year (2017). I didn’t want to wait 2 years because one, that’s so long and two, it was possible I wanted kids soon.  So I made a group with everyone that wanted to join & the rest is history. Ha just kidding but I will have a separate blog just for rainier.  Was it absolutely insane? Yes, but why waste time contemplating something you want to do? What is it that is stopping you? Is it scary? Probably. Worried you’re not good enough? Well, you are. Maybe it’s out of your comfort zone? That’s what makes you grow as a person. You can do anything you freaking want if you put your mind to it. I did. I hiked 5 times and said I wanted to climb Rainier. I dreamed about the moment of reaching the top everyday & made that come true. Was I thinking all of the above questioning if I’m capable? Absolutely, but I don’t want to grow old and regret that I didn’t go out and do what my little heart desired and it being too late. I talked to many people throughout my training who told me they wish they had climbed Rainier but can’t now.  So, I challenge you to do something you’ve always wanted to do even if it’s out of your comfort zone and do it. Chase that dream. ❤

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Let’s start with….about me.

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Hi there! I’m Jessica, which I guess you’re probably thinking, “oh great another wanna be blogger”. Yeah, maybe, but here you are reading my intro anyway. I’m here to blabber to you about my crazy, fun adventures of the PNW which I fell in love with a short time ago, but I’ll get into all that later.

Back to about me..

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I’m married to a very loving, caring & funny guy of 2 years, but been together 9. It’s been an amazing 9 years, to see where we started out and to see where we’re at in our life now. We have definately come a long way. We’ve had our fair share of up & downs but who hasn’t? So cliche right?

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We currently have no kids but 3 fur children. Yes, not a typo. THREE dogs. ALL huskies. So imagine the hair. Tumble weeds of hair in all corners of the house. Scratch that, hair just all over the house. We wear, breathe & eat it. My husbands dream is to have 5 for his husky farm but after our 3rd being so difficult I think he’s changed his mind… hopefully… but doubtful.

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We just purchased our first home together and from where we lived anything was an upgrade. We had no heat but the rent was dirt cheap so we didn’t care. Allowed us to pay for our wedding, save up & simply just spend money on shit we didn’t need. So here we are at age 29, married, with 3 furry children with a roof over our heads. I’d say were doing pretty damn good, but is that what makes someone Happy? Having it all in life, picture perfect life on paper? When I was younger I said I wanted kids & to be married by 25. Did either of those happen by then? No. I  got married at 27 but no kids yet which is A oooookay with me right now. Kids are not on this year’s agenda. I always looked at life as if I got married, bought a house, had a good job and kids, that would be the perfect life. Right? And I would be forever happy. In society’s eyes yes. We all want someone to share life with and to make memories in a home we call our own with children we created and watch them grow up and someday maybe have kids of their own. To have a secure job that you enjoy since you spend a third of your day there. Of course all these are important but I am not sure it’s the key to happiness. I have 3/4 of those things. I have been battling with the last one for a bit now. Do i really want Kids? I have never truly desired them. I feel as though if I had kids right now, it would be to please other people & because that’s what people do.  Have kids and then life is complete. Idk I am rambling here and this is partially why I want to blog. Get the millions of thoughts out there to possibly figure this whole happiness thing out. Maybe there are people out there that can relate.

More about me, I have anxiety. I’m an obsessor of my thoughts, I over think everything. I never stop thinking & it drains me but I can’t help it. I’ll probably wait forever to post this blog because of what people might think. That could be a blog in itself.  That’s just how my brain works.  For almost a year now i have been going through something I can’t really explain. I can’t figure it out (Possibly depression). I’ve had depression before but this time its different.  I have the perfect life (okay nothing is perfect) but why am I not happy? I feel empty inside a lot. I cry out of nowhere & my poor husband thinks it’s him and it’s not.  He has told me it could be I have too much on my plate.  Don’t get me wrong, I have days I’m happy and I’m starting to feel better but most of the time I just want to burrow in my pillow and sleep. Just forget about doing life but we all have to do it but why is it such a struggle for me? Anyway, I think part of it is I looked forward to getting married, I looked forward to buying a house and now what?  We spend so much time focusing on what we have to look forward to and not enough time to enjoy this moment in time. What’s in front of us. ✋ Guilty AF. But it’s so easy to say be happy in this moment. Apparently the chemicals in my brain are off a little, maybe a lot depending on who you ask. Trust me, the littlest things get me excited and make me happy but it all fades. How does one find true happiness in Life? Or find yourself? What does that even mean? Like hello, I’m right here self. Okay bad joke but I know who I am and blah blah, I just want my happy.  You have to find happiness within yourself and love yourself to find pure happiness. But again so easy to say, doing is another thing. It’s not the things you buy, when you get married or buy a house.  All that giddy excitement fades and then what’s left? Instead of enjoying each moment in life every day, like when I get home and see my husband and dogs, I simply just go through the motions of the day to get by.  I may be all wrong here but it’s what flows through my mind. So here I am trying to find my happiness which I have found through hiking & climbing. I escape that anxiety that runs my life. It calms me. I’m happy when I’m out there. You realize how small you are in comparison to the world and how miniscule our problems are but we still deserve to be happy. Problem is I can’t do that all the time. It’s like a drug, the best kind of drug out there in my opinion. Others might argue that one. Just sayin. It’s therapy. Medication & just good for the soul. You get that body high feeling when you’ve made it to the top but after coming down, I’m set in my ways again. I need to find that happiness in my every day life. This isn’t a pity party. And I’m sure some people that read this will think, man she is so ridiculous, she has life so good, what does she have to complain about and that’s true. People go through some crazy shit in their life and probably wish to have a life like mine. Maybe you can’t relate and thats okay. This blog may not be for you but I promise after this blog it will mostly be about my adventures. Im sure by my facebook post you’d never guess this is going on. Most people post the happy stuff because thats what we want people to see. You never know what’s going on behind those post in that’s person life besides the happy stuff right? So here’s to finding my happy & maybe finding yours if you’re in the same boat.

This blog will mainly be about my outdoor adventures but I wanted to share a little about me and occasionally intertwine life with my mountain adventures.

Next up, how and why I decided to climb Rainier & my training…

Until next time,

Toodles!